


my tomorrow is blue

by bananamhlk



Series: i'm projecting [3]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: AMERICAN SOCCER, Depression, Han Jisung | Han-centric, I'm Sorry, Lee Minho | Lee Know is Whipped, Lee Minho | Lee Know is a Sweetheart, M/M, Not Beta Read, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Starvation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, We Die Like Men, btw this takes place in uni but i'm a junior in high school so idk how college works, i know the bare minimum about soccer, i'm once again adding tags as i'm writing the fic yes i apologize, minho is an angel sent from heaven confirmed, minho plays soccer, or at least it did when i projected last time, sorry i've been really sad lately and writing helps idk, yes i'm projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:40:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24816235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananamhlk/pseuds/bananamhlk
Summary: Life is hard.Life has always been hard. For everybody. Maybe some people had it easier than others, but no matter what it was hard. You don’t go through life with no troubles or no issues, you’ll have plenty of them. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you do.Jisung realized how hard life was when he was young. He realized how many issues and troubles he had from a very young age.Growing up, he was a very obnoxious kid. He was loud and rambunctious, and loved to ask other kids at the park if they’d like to play with him. He always came up with creative scenarios for his toys, from them being superheroes, to astronauts, to even famous idols. But one day, everything changed.Jisung was a third year in college now. He’s long forgotten about his toys and the kids he would play with at the park. He’s long forgotten all the ideas that would run constantly through his brain. Instead of being the joyful kid he once was who could befriend anybody who laid his eyes on, he kept to himself and his small group of close friends. He was different.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Series: i'm projecting [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1794919
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	my tomorrow is blue

**Author's Note:**

> i know i haven't written in MONTHS but this is another projection fic, sorry ): for some reason i only write things when i've been really down. if you guys really like sad shit then umm go read my other story "everything that feels is broken, but slowly heals" after this from what i remember it's even sadder than this lol. but i don't know that for sure because i'm writing this note before i even finished the fic LMAO anyways i hope you enjoy

Life is hard.

Life has always been hard. For everybody. Maybe some people had it easier than others, but no matter what it was hard. You don’t go through life with no troubles or no issues, you’ll have plenty of them. Maybe you don’t realize it, but you do.

Jisung realized how hard life was when he was young. He realized how many issues and troubles he had from a very young age.

Growing up, he was a very obnoxious kid. He was loud and rambunctious, and loved to ask other kids at the park if they’d like to play with him. He always came up with creative scenarios for his toys, from them being superheroes, to astronauts, to even famous idols. But one day, everything changed.

Jisung was a third year in college now. He’s long forgotten about his toys and the kids he would play with at the park. He’s long forgotten all the ideas that would run constantly through his brain. Instead of being the joyful kid he once was who could befriend anybody who laid his eyes on, he kept to himself and his small group of close friends. He was different. 

-

“Jisungie, you’ve been waking up rather late lately. You were practically late today! Are you alright?” One of his best friends, Felix, asked him. Felix was a very nice boy. The two met freshman year of high school, and hit off rather easily. Jisung was still happy back then. Felix reminded of himself when he was younger.

“Yeah, I’m good. I just stayed up really late last night studying,” he answered, slightly shrugging his shoulders as he responded. It was a simple lie, of course. He knew lying was bad, but he couldn’t tell Felix the truth. He couldn’t tell anybody the truth.

“Wow, Han Jisung studying? I thought all you did was play video games.” One of his other friends, Hyunjin, quickly said. 

“Yeah, who are you turning into? Seungmin?” Jeongin, one of their friends was a year younger than them, had asked. The other boys chuckled, and Jeonging earned a shove from Seungmin himself. Jisung smiled, forcing a laugh out. 

The boys all quieted down a bit after that, eating their lunches peacefully. Jisung breathed heavily, looking down at the food on his tray. He hasn’t been feeling hungry lately, but he knew that he normally ate the most out of everybody in his friend group. If he didn’t eat his lunch, they’d grow suspicious. He didn’t want them knowing anything, but he thought of something quickly this time.

“You know, since I woke up pretty late I’m not really feeling hungry right now. Does anybody want my food?” He asked, looking around the table. Before anybody could verbally answer, Hyunjin snatched up his food immediately.

“Sorry, I’m just super hungry.”

The group didn’t comment on that, other than a few chuckles at Hyunjin’s behavior. Alongside Jisung, Hyunjin was the biggest eater of the group. But that’s expected from somebody who is as active as he is. 

Jisung turned on his phone, checking the time. There was still fifteen minutes until his next class, but decided to take his leave now. “I’m going to go to the bathroom and then probably head to class, see you guys later.” He said, getting up and giving a slight wave to his friends as he walked off. He had no plans to head to the bathroom, he was just going to wonder around for a bit. He didn’t really want to see anybody at the moment.

Jisung plugged his earbuds into his phone, and slipped them into his ears. He hit shuffle on his playlist and then continued to walk around the halls, hands in his hoodie pocket and head casted down to the floor. He was feeling really bad today, probably the worst so far his week. It felt like nothing was right, even though nothing had happened at all. 

Jisung had been walking for a couple minutes now, still not bothering to raise his gaze from the floor. Most people were in their classes at this point so it didn’t matter anyways, right?

And that's when he bumped into somebody else. 

Jisung fell back onto his butt almost instantly, quickly realizing what happened. He plucked his earbuds out of his ears, apologies quickly spewing out of his mouth.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t watch where I was going. Really, I’m sorry, so sorr-”

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” a voice interrupted him, “I wasn’t watching where I was going either and I was running through the halls when I shouldn’t have. It’s my fault, really. You don’t need to apologize so much.”

Jisung looked up at the person talking, and he was instantly left in shocked. A boy, probably the most handsome boy he has ever seen, was kneeling in front of him. He stood up, brushing off his jeans, and held out a hand to help Jisung up. 

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Jisung asked, taking his hand and allowing the other to pull him up.

“Yeah, I’m positive. It’s my fault so there’s no need to sweat it. How about I buy you a coffee or something to make it up to you? It’s the least I can do for knocking you straight onto your ass, which probably hurts at this point.” The boy said, clearly there was some concern in his eyes. Jisung thought this boy was an angel. 

“Y-You really don’t have to do that, it’s okay.” Jisung replied, shaking his hands at the other.

“No, no! I insist. I don’t mean to sound rude but you look kind of bummed, and I really don’t want to make your day worse. I can put my number into your contacts and text you after todays classes maybe?”

Jisung hummed, “okay.” He unlocked his phone and handed it over to the older, waiting kind awkwardly and patiently for him to put his number in. When the other gave it back to him, he glanced at the contact name. Minho. What a nice name.

Jisung sent a quick text to Minho, to make sure the older typed his number correctly and so that he had his number in his phone as well.

“Well, um, Minho-ssi, text me when you’re- uh, good. I’m Jisung, by the way. I’m a third year” 

Minho nodded, “I will, don’t worry. It was nice meeting you Jisung! And no need to be so formal, just call me hyung, okay?”

Jisung nodded, bowing slightly to the other. He said goodbye in a hushed tone, politely waving back to the older as he continued to run down the hall. 

That was…. interesting, to say the least. Jisung thought to himself, before realizing that he too should be scurrying off to his class. He had to be honest with himself, the abrupt meeting with Minho seemed nice to him. He appreciated the offer that the older had proposed, but still felt like he didn’t deserve to be treated so nicely by a hyung. 

-

The rest of his classes went by at lightning speed, but at a snail’s pace at the same exact time. He felt like he sat in his seats for absolutely forever, but with his mind constantly wondering it felt like class went by like a breeze. 

Strange. 

As soon as he entered his dorm, he flopped down onto his bed. He was exhausted at this point, having not enough sleep and feeling crummy all day. He really needed some rest.

_Ding!_

Jisung groaned, hearing the familiar sound of his phone notification going off. Squinting, he clicked it on to see who was texting him right now. 

**Minho**

**hi jisung! would you like to get coffee around 5? i can pick you up from your dorm if you send me it. i don’t mind at all!**

**Me**

**hi hyung. yes, that’s okay. i’m in dorm *** on floor five. if you knock and i don’t answer just pound on the door, my friend will answer. i’ll probably be asleep.**

****

****

**Minho**

**okay!!!! i’ll see you soon jisung. nap well!**

Jisung smiled a little bit. Minho really felt like an angel sent from heaven at this point. In Jisung’s opinion, he was being too kind to him. He tried not to think about it too much, putting his phone down and closing his eyes. He just wanted to rest.

-

“Jisung. Jisung. JISUNG!” Somebody yelled, straight into Jisung’s ear. He jolted awake, eyes wide. 

“Huh- what, Lix?” He asked, sitting up properly and rubbing his eyes. Even after his nap exhaustion still crept over him.

“Your friend is here to pick you up. I’ve been trying to wake you up for like ten minutes.”

Jisung hummed, taking a moment to let what Felix said sink into his tired brain. When he finally processed it, his eyes widened. “Oh, shit! Thank you for waking me Lixie, sorry I was such a problem.” He said quickly, jumping out of bed and brushing his hair down with his fingers. He pulled on his shoes, and quickly made his way to the door.

“Hi, hyung. I’m sorry I kept you waiting.” He said.

“It’s okay, Jisungie. You already told me you may be asleep so it’s not a big deal,” The older responded, patting Jisung’s head lightly. 

Jisungie. Jisungie. Jisungie. 

He liked the way it rolled off of Minho’s tongue.

After an awfully short car ride, the two arrived at a cafe that students liked to frequent. Jisung ordered an (iced) americano, while Minho just ordered himself a hot chocolate. “It’s cold and I don’t particularly need a lot of caffeine right now” was his reason why. Of course, he paid for both his and the younger's drinks. 

“So, Jisungie, tell me about yourself.” Minho stated as he and Jisung slid into a booth, sipping on his hot chocolate.

How could he drink that without burning his tongue immediately? Is he a psycho? 

“Um, there isn’t much to say really… I’m just studying music at the uni, that’s all.” Jisung replied, twirling around his straw in his americano. He realized he hadn’t eaten anything yet today.

Minho hummed in response, cradling his cocoa in his hands. “Music, hm? Maybe one day we’ll be good friends and I can listen. Anyways, I’ve been studying dance. I also play on the (american) soccer team, but I don’t really care about that as much as I care about dance. It’s just something else to do.”

Jisung nodded, not thinking of anything to respond with. He continued to swirl the straw around, having yet to take a sip. He’ll get there.

“Are you okay, Jisung?”

Jisung flinched slightly, not expecting the question to come up. He proceeded to take a sip of his coffee, “yes, I’m okay. Just thinking about what you said. I wouldn’t mind showing you some of my tracks one day.” 

“Really?” Minho gasped out, clearly excited. Why was this man such an angel?

Jisung slightly giggled, nodding in response. He really liked Minho’s personality, it felt like a huge change from his daily life. It made him feel… lighter, in a sense.

The two talked for a couple of hours, before Minho drove Jisung back to his dorm. When he entered him and Felix’s bedroom, he wasn’t prepared for the other to be wiggling his eyebrows at him. He shoved Felix, rolling his eyes, “Felix I literally just met Minho hyung today. He kind of ran into me in the halls and knocked me down and wanted to make it up to me.”

“Uh huh, whatever you say, Sung.”

-

A few weeks have passed since that day, and Jisung has been hanging out with Minho quite a lot. He’s been to a couple of his practices, and has even met all of his friends. He really liked Chan and Changbin, they were going into music production just like him. The three hit it off very quickly, and have even produced a few tracks together under the title “3RACHA.” Jisung didn’t want to sound conceited, but he thought that the songs they’ve come out with are some of the best he’s ever heard. 

However, in those few weeks that they’ve grown close, Jisung has felt himself get worse and worse. He struggles to get out of bed every day, and has missed a lot of his classes. His friends obviously noticed his behavior, especially Felix, but he didn’t feel like burdening them. He knew they were going to figure out eventually. 

His meds he took every day seemed to not be working for him anymore, and he just felt numb. He didn’t know what to do anymore, and he definitely wasn’t feeling like himself at this point. Sure he had been hanging on before, but it feels like he finally let go. All he feels from the moment he wakes up to the moment he falls asleep is nothing. Lately, he’s been lying awake at night, thinking about what would happen if he just took something sharp and glided it across his arms and across his legs. He hasn’t thought about that in a while. 

At this point he couldn’t help himself.

It was four in the morning, Felix was sound asleep in his bed, when Jisung crept into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and turning on the light. He opened up the cupboard under the sink, scavenging for something. When he finally found what he was looking for, he looked at it with content. 

He wore a hoodie the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. 

Currently, he was sitting on the bleachers in front of the field, watching Minho as he practiced. He still had absolutely no idea what was happening, but found some kind of enjoyment in it anyways. He just really enjoyed hanging out with Minho.

After the practice was over, Minho came running over, sitting next to the younger while chugging a water. He wiped his lips once he was done, turned to Jisung and asked, “Do you want to come to my game on Friday? You can bring your friends too so we can all finally meet. I think Felix and Changbin know each other though.”

Of course Jisung said yes, smiling happily at the thought of Minho inviting him to one of his games. He knew he could’ve gone any time just on his own, but it just felt better when he was invited. 

He couldn’t wait. He hoped the week would fly by now. It was only monday, after all.

But of course for him it didn’t. 

Tuesday was shitty. He spent too long in the shower, sitting in the tub, staring at the wall. He wasn’t even thinking, he was just beyond out of it. He missed half of his first class because of that, and his professor scolded him for a nth time in front of the class. He was so embarrassed, he hid his head in his arms and cried for the entire time period.

Wednesday even shittier. Not in the way that you would think, though.

Felix had finally figured him out. 

Neither had many classes that day, but Felix was always home earlier than him. When Jisung stepped through the door, he wasn’t expecting Lix to be standing there, his arms by his side and his eyes filled with concerned. He lifted up a razor tainted red, and with a wavy voice, he asked “is this yours?” 

Jisung sobbed.

Confessions spilled from his mouth. About how long he’s been hiding his depression, about his self harm, about how little sleep he got each night, about how he hasn’t eaten in days. He cried in Felix’s arms, for who knows how long, while the other whispered comforting words into his ear.

Thursday was okay.

He was excited to go to Minho’s game the next day, and told his friends that Minho invited them too. They all agreed to go, it was obvious to them how much Minho meant to Jisung even though the two only had known each other for a short period of time. 

Jisung also told the rest about his depression, Felix next to him and holding his hand the whole way through. They offered all of their support to him, and gave him many hugs. He didn’t tell them quite everything yet, just what he was comfortable with.

He felt okay.

When he woke up Friday morning, he was beaming with excitement. Classes weren’t going on fridays, so he had all day (until 6pm) to think about the game. At around four, his friends came over to his and Lix’s dorm. He explained to them they were going to meet Chan and Changbin at the entrance to the field, and learned that Felix did in fact know his dear Changbin hyung. 

The group left at around 5:30, all wearing their school colors. Jisung accessorized with a “19” on his right cheek. 

It was Minho’s jersey number.

When Jisung and his friends finally met up with Chan and Changbin, he quickly introduced each other. After that, Felix took him over to a mini concessions stand where a few students were selling some snacks. They then headed towards the bleachers, looking for where the rest of the group had situated themselves. Once Jisung sat down, he was shaking with excitement. He couldn’t want to cheer Minho on. 

When the game finally started, Jisung was standing in his seat, screaming. When Minho made a goal, he swears his vocal chords got torn in half. He was loud. Probably the loudest in the stadium.

Whenever the other team scored, Jisung let out an exaggerated “boooo!” Yes, every single time. He had to do his best to cheer on his hyung. 

As soon as the game was over, Minho ran over to the fence that separated the bleachers from the field, and hopped over them. Jisung met him there, of course.

“Hyung, you did amazing!!! I don’t know anything about soccer but I’m so proud of you and your team for winning!” Jisung exclaimed, clapping his hands cheerfully before clasping them together in front of him. Minho gave him probably the hugest smile he’s ever seen, before pulling the younger into a tight hug.

“How about you come to my next game then?” Minho asked, trailing his hands down Jisung’s arms and grabbing his wrists to pull his hands apart so he could hold them in his own.

When Jisung noticed the wince, he noticed it immediately. He furrowed his brows, tightening his grip just a little bit.

“Hyung- o-ow, hyung please stop,” Jisung whined, scrunching his face in pain almost immediately. Minho glanced at the youngers clothed arms, then his face, and then the others before dragging Jisung off to somewhere more secluded and not surrounded by dozens of people.

As soon as there was little to nobody around them anymore, Minho turned around to face Jisung again.

“Jisung.”

“Y-yes, hyung?” He asked, in a small and quiet voice.

Minho didn’t answer after that, instead just silently lifted one of the younger's arms towards him and turned it over, before carefully taking the sleeve and pushing it up. 

“H-Hyung, please- I’m sorry hyung, I’m sorry.” Jisung said shakily, tears already forming in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. He wiped his eyes with his other sleeve quickly.

“Jisung. Why didn’t you tell me?”

There was silence.

And then there was sobbing. 

Jisung tried his best to pull away from the older, so he could run away as far as possible. He didn’t want Minho to see him like this, he didn’t ever want Minho to know he was like this. Minho was quick though, pulling Jisung into a hug and holding him as tight as he possibly could, as if he was afraid he was going to lose the younger. Maybe he was. 

“Jisung, I’m not mad. I just wish you would have told me. I would’ve been there for you since the beginning Sungie, you don’t deserve to go through this alone.”

Minho took him to his apartment that night.

-

When Jisung woke up, he was in a bed unfamiliar to his own. His makeup was all wiped off, and his wrists were wrapped in bandages. He noticed he was in a different set of clothes, too, and his thighs had been wrapped too. 

Then he remembered. 

He remembered the way Minho looked at him with so much concern and fear in his eyes, the way Minho held him close for hours once they arrived at his place. 

He felt…

He felt disgusted.

He was so pissed at himself, for making Minho feel like that. For making him so upset. Not only Minho, but every single one of his friends he knew. He was pissed for making them all feel so down because of him, because of his problems. 

Why did he had to do that to them? Couldn’t he just have acted fucking happy for once so they wouldn’t be concerned? What was wrong with him?

Jisung stood to his feet instantly, opening the door to what he assumed to be Minho’s room. He walked around for a couple seconds, before noticing Minho was sound asleep on the couch. He glanced at the time, realizing it was awfully early. Six in the morning.

He decided what he needed to do.

Looking around for a few minutes, Jisung found a piece of paper and a pen. Before he could even think, he started writing. He wrote a very, very long note on the paper, before placing it on the coffee table in front of the couch Minho was sleeping on. After that, he went to grab his phone, and then exited the apartment.

He opened his phone as soon as he was on the street.

**han jisung has made a groupchat!  
han jisung added lixie, innie, channie hyung and…**

**jisung**

**im sorry.**

It was six in the morning anyways, nobody was going to see his message. Not until after he was gone. 

He walked around the city for only a few minutes, before finally arriving in front of what he was looking for. The bridge. Thank god Minho didn’t live that far from it.

Jisung smiled lightly to himself, walking slowly towards his destination. He didn’t know why he was going so slow, when he knew this is what he wanted. What he needed. 

His phone began to rang. 

Jisung stopped in his tracks, pulling his phone out of his phone out of his waistband before looking at the caller id.

**channie hyung is calling….  
channie hyung is calling….  
channie hyung is calling….**

“Hello?” Jisung asked, answering the phone.

“Ji, my dear Sungie, are you okay? What do you mean you’re sorry?” Chan asked, his voice was airy. 

“Mm, I’m just sorry hyung. I’m sorry for everything.” Jisung replied as he got finally stepped on the bridge, continuing to walk a bit further. He dragged his pointer finger across the railing, watching it with intent. He listened as the river roared beneath him.

“Jisung,” chan somewhat whispered into the phone, “what are you going to do?” 

Jisung hummed in response, shrugging his shoulders even though he knew Chan couldn’t see. 

“Mm, I’m going to go hyung.”

Chan was silent on the other end, other than the quiet sound of what seemed to be his fingers tapping against his screen.

“Hyung,” Jisung repeated.

“Yes, Jisung?” Chan asked. His voice was slightly shaky.

“I’m going to kill myself, Hyung.” 

He hung up the phone.

Jisung was still smiling to himself as he finally got to the middle of the bridge, looking out into the rushing water of the river. He slid his shoes off, still as slow as ever, and placed his phone down next to it. If his friends ever found where he had gone, at least they would have something that hold almost every memory. 

Jisung climbed up the railing, swinging one leg over before the other onto the tiny bit of space before the long, long drop down. Jisung spread his arms out, feeling free. Like he was about to fly away. 

Jisung closed his eyes, before leaning his body forward. 

Though he could fill panic filling up his body, he knew he was ready. As ready as he ever could be. 

As soon as he began to fall, pain raked through his wrist. He never felt the wind against his face, instead he felt himself being pulled back up, being pulled back over the railing and placed onto the ground.

And when he opened his eyes, he saw him.

He saw Minho.

**Author's Note:**

> you know what, i think i might upload another chapter of this. but it'll probably be shorter than this one.


End file.
